Friday, May 21, 2010

Two for One...

I am sick and tired of myself...

I am so tired of being full of fear...

I realized that my fear of failure is paralyzing me and my family's journey.

I also have realized that I only fear what I haven't given over to God.

I am so SICK of it.

I am hindering my family's future, my spiritual life, and connections with others because I like to pretend that I am in control.

A few weeks ago I went to the Beth Moore simulcast and listened to her talk about saying, "So Long to Insecurities". I really thought that I had nothing to learn because I thought I was a pretty secure person....

BOY WAS I WRONG!!!

I realized that all the places in my life where I am stagnant and feel uneasy are all the ones I have yet to surrender.

See, it would be one thing to say... "We are still seeking to see if this whole adoption thing is for us."
The problem is is that I already know what the answer is... I am supposed to go on this journey regardless of the outcome .... I know in my heart of hearts that I desire nothing else to be someone's mom.... But, I am also petrified to find out that we (Eric and I) aren't good enough... (IE, don't make enough money or have a big enough house). I am so scared my heart will be broken that I am dragging my feet on every little thing.

In my crazy twisted head it makes sense that it is better to say, "We are in the beginning stages of adoption" than say, "The agency didn't see us fit."

The conundrum is ... I am going to experience God's will anyway... so either I will go kicking and screaming (like I have been doing) ... or sweetly singing his praises and accepting whatever He has in store for me.

And with this whole blog thing... I am totally being controlling... am  picking and choosing who I want to tell about it... Which I know isn't what I am supposed to do. I feel like I need to share with people even though they may not care. I just have to be me and be vulnerable.

Because I don't like who I am when I am not allowing myself to be authentic.


So, here is a belated Music Monday...

Have you ever listened to a song and got a sinking feeling in your chest... and you know that it was meant for you to hear at that exact moment?

This is one of the songs I have experienced this feeling with...

 
i surrender all
to the promises you made
and i will give it all
to the maker of the day

no one knows your heart
and no one knows your fears
when no one solves the mysteries
or even wipes away the tears

i surrender all
to the promises you made
and i will give it all
to the maker of the day

can you hear the sound of laughter
from the other side of life?
there are days when i feel like a stranger sometimes
tell me, are there any other fools like me?

i surrender all
to the promises you made
and i will give it all
to the maker of the day

this reliance on another world
has a great effect on this world
this conscience of another world
has a great effect on
grace recollection

he doesn't love us 'cause of who we are
he only loves us 'cause of who he is
he doesn't love us 'cause of who we are
he only loves us 'cause of who he is

i surrender all
(he doesn't love us 'cause of who we are)
to the promises you made
(he only loves 'cause of who he is)
and i will give it all
(he doesn't love us 'cause of who we are)
to the maker of the day
 
 

5 comments:

  1. LOVE this friend!!

    i am a total control person too. i struggle constantly!

    i was super weird about the whole blog thing and then one day i just decided that i needed to take my 'big girl pill' and suck it up! i posted it on facebook and have been pleasantly surprised at the amazing compliments and feedback i have gotten.

    you are amazing. god has big things for you. you can let it go. i believe that.

    xo.

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  2. I heart Beth Moore! My Bible study is doing her series "Breaking Free" it's AMAZING! I recommend it if you have yet to do it!

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  3. i hear you friend!
    I struggle with the control thing too but have found when I let go......things happen.
    and you know what? you are BEYOND good enough. your house is adorable and all any child needs is love (and clean underpants)and you all have that in ABUNDANCE!!!
    love to you!!

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  4. Oh Amber, I think we have really similar personalities, I have the same fear and control issues as you do. You explain it so simply that it all makes sense, love that! I'm grateful to be one of the chosen few who has access to your blog! I very much look forward to hearing more from you.

    I believe that you are meant to go on this journey as well. The way you talk about it, it's clear that there is a passion in your heart for your unknown child. You are exactly the kind of person who should be taking care of these children and you are most certainly good enough. If it makes you feel any better, my friends who adopted Colton live in a pretty small condo. It's more about character. It will be one crazy journey for sure, I can only imagine some of the emotions you'll have to face going through this, but it's so worth it when you finally connect with that child you're meant to be with. I wish you all the best and I can't wait to see you take the necessary steps to move forward. I'm so blessed just to be the pseudo-aunt of an adopted child...the whole thing is just so beautiful and selfless. I'll keep you in my prayers my friend!

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  5. Is it up to this agency to decide to let you adopt or is it up to God? God knows your and Eric's heart. God knows what amazing parents you are to Wyatt and how blessed a new baby would be to have you as his/her mommy. It doesn't matter the size of your house or the money in your wallet, God is in control of this. Quit trying to take it from Him, as he knows what is best for you even more than you do. It's a struggle, I know. But trust in Him and he will reward you greatly. Love you, my friend. :)

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